


As Strong As That

by hunters_retreat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, UST (of the Wincest kind), Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-03
Updated: 2009-10-03
Packaged: 2018-05-05 06:02:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5364110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunters_retreat/pseuds/hunters_retreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the angel shows up, Dean lets go of his pain and buries it, pretends that it is divine acceptance of his sacrifice and buries himself in flesh that doesn’t deserve this, that doesn’t deserve anything less than love and wonders where the angel has the strength to accept his place in all of this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Strong As That

 

There were things in life that you didn't do. Not and talk about them. Not and still believe you were a good person. The Winchesters had always known that. You didn't break the law as frequently as they did and not believe there would be some final retribution to pay. It hadn't come home to roost yet though so they continued to live their lives they way they had since the day evil had sent them into a fiery new life. There were times when their good deeds out weighed the crimes and they were able to breathe easier and there were times when each step they took seemed to be bogged down, as if they walked through a quagmire that threatened to pull them under. No time was so hard as the years after Samuel Winchester returned to the ruins of his family, carrying with him only a fire-gutted heart.

Dean Winchester understood that. He watched as his brother suffered, trying to come to terms with the loss of his girl. When that obstacle had been faced, Dean watched him deal with his unnatural blood and the fact that the normal life he wanted so desperately wasn't his to have. In time, they became immune to the rules, to the outside world that would judge them, regarding anyone outside their family as unsafe and ignorant of the real world. The rules were made for people that didn't know what went bump in the night. They didn't know that they were right to be afraid of the dark. They had no idea that the rules they set up so carefully to protect themselves were lies. They didn't understand that the people that protected them day or night were hunters who lived by salt and iron, blood and bravery. The only rule they lived by was a simple one. Family first. Nothing and no one was allowed to hurt your family. Simple. Not even themselves.

 

 

"Dean?"

"Yeah Sammy?"

"Sam."

"Yeah Sammy?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Wanna tell me what happened?"

Dean looked down at the bags of food that littered both beds. He smiled as he looked at his brother. "I was hungry."

"So you raided the nearest vending machine?"

"It broke."

"It broke?"

"Alright. I broke it, but I was out of change."

"Tell me you didn't destroy our vending machine?"

Dean smiled. "Nah Sammy. I drove two blocks over to the other motel in town."

Sam laughed as he pushed chip bags and beef jerky out of the way and sat down. He pulled a bag of cheetohs open and leaned back against the head board. When Dean turned the television on Sam pushed the rest of the bags to the foot of the bed, clearing a space for him. Dean grabbed two of the bottles he'd snagged and hopped onto the bed.

"Soda machine too?"

"In for a penny, in for a pound." Dean said, handing Sam one of those power drinks he liked so well. "Monster movies?"

Sam rolled his eyes as he looked at his brother. "Don't you get enough of monsters?"

"Sure, but these aren't real. It's like asking you if you ever get tired of women because you’re such a girl."

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

Not even an outsider could have mistaken the words as anything other than affection.

 

 

 

 

They never touched one another. They never acted anything more or less than brothers, but that didn't make it any less real. It didn't make them want any less. In time they learned how to mask it, learned to sublimate their desire in socially appropriate pats on the shoulder and verbal teasing. If their hands lingered a little too long when they passed something between them, if their legs always touched as they sat across from one another, no one knew and they could live with that. Of course, they didn't understand about guardian angels and prophets watching from afar.

 

 

Dean stared at Castiel as the angel stood on the other side of the door. He wasn't entirely whole and the eldest Winchester reached for him, held him close as he pulled the door shut behind him. "Castiel? I thought-"

"I am still here." The angel said softly, not trying to back out of Dean's arms.

"The archangel. How did you survive?"

Castiel took a step back then, looking slightly up at Dean. "The Archangel's attack was stopped when Sam killed Lilith. I was no longer a threat to the prophecy."

"And heaven just let you go? Just like that?"

Castiel's eyes were downcast. "No. I am... on the run. I needed to see that you were alright though."

Dean cupped Castiel's face, tilting it up until he was looking into his eyes. "You can stay with us."

"I can't." Castiel answered quickly enough, his eyes catching on Dean's lips. "I... they will come looking for me. I won't let you get caught up in that. I will find Anna and she and I will do what we can."

"You don't have to leave just yet though. I mean, you look like hell."

Castiel nodded. "I still have my angelic powers, but the more I used them the easier they can find me."

"Explains why you're hurt and why you didn't just pop in like normal."

"Indeed."

"Let me patch you up then. Come on. Get your jacket and shirt off. Let me see what we're looking at here."

Dean grabbed the first aid kit out of the bathroom and watched as Castiel slowly undid the buttons of his shirt. He took a deep breath as if to steady himself and set the kit on the bedside table. When Castiel pushed the shirt off his arms he moved over to Dean.

Dean sat him on the bed and knelt on the floor between his legs, his hands coming up steady to look at the cuts and bruises the angel suffered from. Castiel shivered at the touch and Dean took another deep breath.

At first Castiel looked around the room, but there was only so much to look at. “Here.” Dean got up and found a bottle, bringing it back. “Take a few swigs of this. I need to stitch two of these up and it’s gonna hurt.”

Castiel took the bottle, his fingers brushing over Dean’s lightly as he did. When he tipped his head back he caught Dean’s eye and held it as he drank deeply from the liquor bottle. When he passed it back, Dean looked at it for a second and tossed it back himself. Castiel watched the way his head tilted, took in the long expanse of flesh, and looked down before Dean could catch him.

Dean sat the bottle beside the first aid kit and started with the smaller scrapes that just needed a little cleaning and some bandages. By the time he’d worked up to the stitching Castiel’s eyes were slightly lidded from alcohol and his reaction to the intrusive needle was little more than a stunned hiss as metal pierced flesh.

Dean nodded his head in approval and Castiel smiled softly at that. He brought his hand up to Dean’s shoulder and just gripped it as the other man continued to work the needle through him. Castiel didn’t seem to notice his thumb rubbing circles into Dean’s flesh but Dean tilted his head from side to side as if to work out the tension. When Castiel’s hand slid to the back of Dean’s neck, Dean closed his eyes for a moment and sighed before continuing.

When he was done, Dean tied off this handy work and put the needle and thread back in the case. With his free hand Castiel took the bottle and downed more of the pain relieving liquid and handed it back to Dean. Dean took the offering and it was a much longer pull on the bottle than Castiel had taken.

Castiel’s hand slid up as Dean drank, his thumb stroking lightly over his adam’s apple as he drank down the liquid.

Dean set the bottle down and looked up at the angel. “Cas.”

“Dean …” and then he was pulling Dean’s head to his, pulling Dean’s lips into his own. Castiel moaned into the kiss and Dean didn’t pull away. He didn’t seem to do anything at first, but then his arms came up around Castiel’s naked waist and he pulled the angel tight.

There was nothing sweet or gentle in Dean’s hands as he stripped the angel of the remainder of his clothes. When Castiel clung to Dean, the Winchester pulled away. He opened Castiel up with patience and care, but it was almost impersonal in the way he refused to meet the angel’s eyes.

He pushed the other onto his stomach and propped his hips up to make him comfortable but as he pushed inside his body he didn’t give him time to adjust to the intrusion or for the pain to pass for pleasure. He didn’t make a sound, but the name on his lips was not the man’s beneath him.

Dean pumped into him hard, his hips snapping tight against Castiel’s ass and the angel moaned with each thrust, a sound that was pain and pleasure and sorrow. When Dean came, it was with frantic hips and closed eyes and fingers that left bruises in the pale flesh underneath him.

He pulled out quickly and didn’t seem to notice the way the angel flinched, but he rolled him over, taking his cock in hand and used his fists to get him off as quickly as possible.

They lay like that for a few minutes before Dean got up and went to the bathroom. He came back with a washcloth and handed it to Castiel as he sat back on the bed, still not looking him in the eye.

When the door opened, Sam stepped through, laptop bag over one shoulder and a stack of books under his arm from the local library. “Hey Dean.” He said, then looked up at the bed to see the two men, still naked.

Sam took a step back in shock and his eyes widened as he looked from Castiel to Dean. Dean watched Sam, eyes taking in the other’s reaction and neither seemed to notice Castiel there as anything more than another piece of furniture in the room.

Sam licked his lips and took a deep breath. “I…”

Dean swallowed hard, one hand tangling in the sheets with white knuckled intensity.

“I…” Sam shook his head. “I have more research to do.” He said, dropping the books on the table but turning back out the door with his laptop still over his shoulder.

Dean dropped both legs over the side of the bed, sitting at the edge of it, head in his hands as he took shuddered breaths. When he finally got up, he took the cloth back from the angel and threw it into the bathroom before coming back to get dressed.

Castiel watched in silence, then grabbed for his own clothes. He pulled his pants and socks on, then started buttoning up his shirt.

“You could still stay with us.” Dean’s voice was gruff as he stood and watched Castiel dress.

“No, I can’t.”

“You don’t have to die for us.”

“If I do, I die for something I believe in Dean.” Castiel said, turning to face the other man.

Dressed, Dean could look him in the eye, even if there was a flash of something Castiel recognized as shame. “What in all this could you possibly believe in?”

“You would die for Sam, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

Dean crossed his arms over his shoulders as if he could barricade himself behind them. “I love him.”

Castiel nodded, a sad smile pulling at the corner of his lips. “I would die for you Dean.” He turned away, grabbing the trench coat and wrapping it over him. “I … It will be a while before I can see you again. I am not so strong as you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I cannot see you, cannot want you like I do and not touch you. I am not as strong as that. Angels were not made to feel as much as humans. We were not made to sacrifice. Take care of yourself Dean. Take care of Sam.”

When he walked out the door he found Sam waiting outside, sitting on the hood of the Impala, typing away at the laptop across his lap. Sam’s face was carefully blank of emotion and Castiel dropped his eyes. “Take care of him.” His voice was quiet but Sam nodded anyway as he looked back into the motel room. Dean stood in the doorway, jeans hanging low on his waist, the dark blue tee pulling up slightly as he leaned to reveal a sliver of pale skin.

Sam licked his lips, but when he looked back Castiel was gone. Sam sat there a moment longer before he looked back at Dean.

Dean watched him before he finally shook his head. “Come on Sammy. We have work to do.”

 

 

The angel didn’t stay away long. He tried, but he never managed to let them fight their own battles. He was right about his strength though. He was never strong enough to turn away from Dean. He waited, planned, and when the time was right he would sneak in on Dean alone and he’d fall into his hands, let the hunter into his body, and know that he was never going to be let into the hunter’s heart. Green eyes regarded him coolly when he wasn’t in bed with him, but they didn’t regard him at all in bed, eyes always downcast, lips always mouthing the wrong name into his skin.

 

The rules changed as they always had, but this remained. Family first. They take care of family and they love each other and sacrifice for each other and they never cross the line, no matter how hard or long the road has been. They hurt and they bleed for one another, but they never take the last step into something that could damn them both to hell. When the angel shows up, Dean lets go of his pain and buries it, pretends that it is divine acceptance of his sacrifice and buries himself in flesh that doesn’t deserve this, that doesn’t deserve anything less than love and wonders where the angel has the strength to accept his place in all of this. He knows he isn’t as strong as that.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this was written for the Renegade Angel exchange at [](http://deancastiel.livejournal.com/profile)[deancastiel](http://deancastiel.livejournal.com/) for [](http://catalinacat.livejournal.com/profile)[catalinacat](http://catalinacat.livejournal.com/) . The first story I wrote was too short (Without Weeping) but I liked it that way so I chose to just write a second story :p This was a combination of prompts: Castiel/Dean, but it's unrequited - you pick which way. You also wanted top!Dean and bottom!Castiel, Castiel!whumpage, Dean!whumpage, angst. The whumpage is emotional, hope that’s ok :P Also, because of another request (Castiel inadvertently is the matchmaker for Sam/Dean) I knew you wouldn’t mind the underlying Sam/Dean through this. Hope you enjoy it!


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